Dr Horrible (Doofenshmirtz)'s Sing-Along Blog
by Marissa Flynn
Summary: "Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog" but with Phineas and Ferb characters portraying their characters...and a couple of my own little tweaks. Rated T for language and material in future chapters.
1. Act 1 Chapter 1

**A/N: Hey everyone! It's little ol' me! Anyway, I told you I'd have the first chapter up soon! I decided I'm gonna do two chapters per act though since this felt like it was getting long. Before you read this and go like 'WHAT?!' This is and AU to the actual Phineas and Ferb, so characters that seem out of place are there for a reason. I also added a few of my own little twists. Also I tried to make it as similar to Dr. Horrible with a couple little tweaks. Anyway, enjoy! **

* * *

_Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz has always been picked on by his brother, Roger Doofenshmirtz. Roger was also the favorite among the family. His mother loved him more. Heinz could see it clearly. He was better at kickball, he was more polite, better looking, a goody-two-shoes, but Heinz had seem him for what he truly was. He was an arrogant, butt kissing brat. Heinz remembered when he gave the teddy bear he worked so hard for to his mother who only gave it to Roger. Who writes their name on a teddy bear and mother?! However, the rest of the Doofenshmirtz family didn't see Roger for what he was. They saw him as a saint, an angel, a gift from above, whereas Heinz was seen as a burden, a devil, a curse…Ironically when the brothers grew up, Heinz became an evil scientist wanting to rule the world. The name Doofenshmirtz was just too much for him to handle. Hearing that name just sent a mad rage into him. he decided to be known as Dr. Horrible. Ironically Roger became the hero thwarting his heists and crimes, Captain Hammer. Just as they were kids, Roger would beat him up all the time, and he would beat him unconscious. Of course, Dr. Horrible was trying to rule the world, but still...did he really have to be that cruel? Roger seemed to think so. Heinz was also trying to get into the Evil League of Evil where he'd be accepted for his evilness and horribleness unlike his family who shunned him. But Heinz Horrible (we talked about this. He changed his last name to Horrible...it just sounds...cooler…) doesn't only commit crimes. He does laundry, is in love and writes a blog. And that...is where our story begins...CUE THE MUSIC!_

* * *

_**DR. HORRIBLE (DOOFENSHMIRTZ)'S SING-ALONG BLOG!**_

Heinz Horrible loved doing his blog. He gets a lot of emails in response, and that's a sign that people watch and respond. He liked reading them out loud to the public. He himself didn't read them until he would do his blog. The camera was set, and to start off with today's blog, he started with his evil laugh.

"AAAAH HAHAHAHAH...HAHAHAHA…" he did, and then he stopped so he could talk, "So...that's, you know, coming along. I'm working with a vocal coach...the Drusselsteinian accent is...ya know...not making it easy for the evil laugh. And by the way, people, a lot of people ignore the evil laugh, and that's about standards! If you're going to get into the Evil League of Evil, I mean...you have to have a memorable laugh. Do you think Bad Horse didn't have to work on his whinny? His TERRIBLE death whinny? Speaking of which...no response BTW from the League yet, but my application is strong this year; a letter of condemnation from the deputy mayor...I mean that's gotta count for something...so...fingers crossed."

An awkward silence fills the room as Dr. Horrible thinks to himself. He knows he deserves to be a part of that league...there's nothing else for him in this messed up world. Then again...there is...no! That's later. He then realized the silence, and he knew he had to get back to his blog.

"EMAILS!" he announced, and he pulled one up, and he read it out loud, "From 2sly4you, 'Hey, genius."

He turned to the cameras again knowing he needed to be funny on his blog. I mean that's why he did the blog! he admitted he was a funny guy! He wasn't ashamed.

"Wow, sarcasm, that's original," he exclaimed in sarcasm, and he continued reading it, "Where are the gold bars you were supposed to pull out of that bank vault with your trans-matter ray-inator? Obviously, it failed or it would have been in the papers.'"

Heinz rolled his eyes. Clearly this guy didn't get the goals of evil or the concepts of evil. Why would anyone go to the press over a gold bar going missing from the bank? Only thing 'newsworthy' to these filthy people (HE SAID IT NOT ME!) is Captain Hammer. Captain Hammer saves a kitten from a tree. Captain Hammer turns in a lost wallet. Captain Hammer is in a relationship. Blah blah blah. He then eyes the camera as if that's the person.

"Well, no, they're not gonna say anything in the press," and Heinz grabbed a bag with a weird liquid, "BUT BEHOLD! Transported from there to here." He then realized a lot of people were probably confused on why it's all liquidy, "The molecules tend to shift during the trans-matter...um...event. But were transported IN BAR FORM...and…"

Heinz realized he was going nowhere with this, and he needed to change subject before he lost viewers. Luckily he had his plan B picked already.

"And by the way, it's not about MAKING money. It's about taking money...destroying the status quo...because the status...is not...quo. The world's a mess...and I just...need to rule it. I'm gonna…" he then smells the bag, "That smells like cumin. SO, Trans-matter-inator is 75%, and more importantly the Freeze-Ray-inator is almost up."

He then holds up the Freeze-Ray, fairly proud of his work. He'd worked hard on that thing for days. He remembers he'd talked about the Freeze-Ray for like three blogs before this one. He could feel it...this would be his ticket into the Evil League of Evil. This would be it. This would be the one...he just knew it.

"This is the one. Freeze-Ray, stops time. Tell your friends," he said, and he put it down as he scrolled to his next email, "We have...OH! Here's one from our good friend Johnny Snow. 'Dr. Horrible, I see you are once again afraid to battle your nemesis. I waited for you at Danville Park for forty five minutes.' Okay, DUDE, you're NOT, my nemesis. My nemesis is Rog-I mean Captain Hammer. Owch...he dislocated my shoulder...again. LOOK! I'm just trying to change the world! Okay?! I don't have time to have a grudge match with every poser in a parka! Besides...there's kids in the park, so…"

Realizing he, AGAIN, needed to change the subject, he scrolled to the next email.

"Here's one from DeadNotSleeping. 'Long time watcher, first time writing' blah blah blah, 'You always say on your blog that you will show her the way, show her that you're a true villain. Who is HER, and does she even know that you're…"

Heinz trailed off...thinking about her...and her son. They go to the laundromat the same days he does. Of course he plans this, so that he may see her every day. He was quite curious about the son's backstory...such as his father, but he ignored it. He was too entranced by Linda's beauty. As he trailed off, he started to sing a montage.

* * *

(**Bold italics is Heinz singing and regular italics is Linda/Heinz talking**)

_**Laundry day**_

_**see you there**_

_**under things**_

_**tumbling**_

_**wanna say**_

_**love your hair**_

_**here I go**_

_**mumbling**_

_**with my freeze ray I will STOP **_

_**the world**_

_**with my freeze ray I will find the time**_

_**to find the words to**_

_**tell you how**_

_**how you make**_

_**make me feel**_

_**what's the phrase**_

_**like a fool**_

_**kinda sick**_

_**special needs**_

_**anyways**_

_**with my freeze ray I will STOP **_

_**the pain**_

_**it's not a death ray or and ice beam**_

_**that's all Johnny Snow**_

_**I just think you need time to know **_

_**that I'm the guy to make it real**_

_**the feelings you dare to feel **_

_**I'll bend the world to our will**_

_**and we'll make time stand…**_

_**still…**_

_**that's the plan**_

_**rule the world**_

_**you and me**_

_**any day**_

_**love your hair**_

_Linda: What?_

_Heinz: No, I, I, I love the, uh, air. Heh heh_

_**anyway **_

_**with my freeze ray I will STOP-**_

* * *

Heinz was interrupted in his montage, not realizing he still managed to finish his blog on the outside while his mind was distracted, by his colleague, Bloodpudding entering the room. It snapped him out of the montage. Bloodpudding and Heinz had been good friends. Whenever Heinz got hurt, he managed to come by to see how he was doing. Whenever Captain Hammer beat him unconscious. He was always the one to bring Heinz back to his apartment. Even when Heinz just needed someone to talk to, Bloodpudding was there for him. This particular day, Bloodpudding was just stopping by for a chat to see how his friend is doing.

"Hey, Doc," Bloodpudding said.

"Bloodpudding! My evil bloody pudding buddy! What's going on?"

"Eh, life of crime. Oh! I got your mail."

"Ah, thank you," he said, and he went to sit on the couch, looking through his mail, "Hey, didn't you, uh, go on a date last night? Esmeralda Poofenplotz told me you were doubling with Dishon'N'Stars."

"Yeah."

"Yeah?"

"It was alright. I thought I was supposed to end up with Dishon."

"I hear ya," Heinz said, and he looked at him again, "I saw Linda today."

"Her son too?"

"Yep."

"Did you talk to her?"

"No," Heinz said, and he wanted to kick himself so hard. He just couldn't do it yet! Why was it so hard for him to talk to her?! Maybe it'd be easier if he talked to her son first...yeah...he'd have to try that, but for now… "So close. I'm just a few weeks from a real, audible connection. I'm gonna try with the son first though. Maybe I'll feel a little less uncomfortable around him. Who knows, maybe if I become friends with the son, maybe that'll score some brownie points with Linda. I'm gonna ask...Oh my God!"

"Is that from the League?"

"It's from HIM! That's his seal isn't it?!" Heinz was excited as he showed Bloodpudding seal on the back of a letter.

"The leader! Oh my God!"

"I got a letter from Bad Horse!"

"That's so hardcore. Bad Horse is legend, he rules the League with an iron hoof. Are you sure you wanna-"

_**Bad Horse**_

_**Bad Horse**_

_**Bad Horse**_

_**Bad Horse**_

_**He rides across the nation **_

_**the thoroughbred of sin**_

_**he got the application that you just sent in**_

_**it needs evaluation **_

_**so let the games begin**_

_**a heinous crime**_

_**a show of force **_

_**a murder would be nice of course**_

_**Bad Horse**_

_**Bad Horse**_

_**Bad Horse**_

_**he's bad**_

_**the Evil League of Evil**_

_**is watching so beware **_

_**the grade that you receive will be the last we swear**_

_**so make the Bad Horse gleeful**_

_**or he'll make you his mare**_

_**you're saddled up **_

_**there's no recourse **_

_**it's Hi Ho Silver**_

_**signed Bad Horse**_

"Well..it's not a no," Bloodpudding said encouragingly, but Heinz didn't need it. He felt great!

"Are you kidding?! This is great! I'm about to pull a major heist. You know the Pizzazium Infinionite I need for the Freeze-Ray-inator? It's being transported tomorrow."

"Armored car?"

"Courier Car. Candy from a baby."

"You need anything?"

"Nah, thanks, but the League is watching. I gotta go this one alone."

* * *

**A/N: well that's the first chapter. I tried to keep it as much of Dr. Horrible as possible with a couple twists such as Phineas. Note: THIS IS AN AU TO THE ACTUAL SHOW! There is no Ferb, no Lawrence! Candace will be in this, but she is not related to Linda and Phineas in this! **

**Anyway R & R**

**Carpe Diem! **


	2. Act 1 Chapter 2

Linda Flynn stood on the corner of the sidewalk with her adorable son, Phineas, at her feet. He too held out some fliers. They tried to hand them out to passers by, but they only passed them clearly not interested. Phineas was so cute and adorable...you'd think they'd stop to see him at least. He, like his mom, was a pretty good singer (maybe even better. Have you HEARD her sing? Well you're about to…

**Will you lend a caring hand**

**to shelter those who need it**

**only have to sign your name**

**don't even have to read it**

**would you help?**

No? How about you?

They sighed in despondency, and they continued to walk. It was then Phineas saw the guy from the laundromat. His mom was too oblivious to notice him staring at her all the time. However, she was doing the laundry, and Phineas watched. Ever since the death of his father, Phillip Flynn, he'd been quite a momma's boy...especially since he didn't have any siblings (AU! Remember it's an AU! Candace will come later, but she's not Phin's sister) Phineas didn't want to be left alone. It only left him reminders that his father was gone. He supposed that was why he always wanted to go with his mom to the laundromat. Phineas saw the guy staring at his mother all the time, but he didn't care to acknowledge him for a couple different reasons. One, he was a little timid and shy. Two, he didn't know if he really wanted a new father. Phillip meant everything to Phineas. Linda remembered that even though he was only two, Phineas didn't leave his room for days. Linda finally had to go into his room to feed him. He stared at Heinz, and he decided why not talk to him...maybe ask him to sign?

"Hey, Mom," the ten year old said with his small, adorable voice, "I'll be right back."

Linda nodded, and he approached Heinz. Meanwhile, however, Heinz was getting ready for his heist of the pizzazium infinionite. He had a duffel bag (Note, Phineas had not seen any of this part), and he looks at a van parked down the alley next to a building. He pulls out a cylinder shaped device, and he tosses it. Acting as a magnet, the device attaches to the van, and he smiles in triumph. He doesn't realize that Phineas is right behind him.

"Whoa, cool," the boy gawked in amazement, "that's some advanced piece of technology. I assume it's a receiver that will give you control of the van?"

"Um...yeah," Heinz said, "hey, you're-"

"Phineas Flynn, Linda's son," Phineas finished, "yeah, even though my mom doesn't see you, I do."

"You think it's kinda-"

"Romantic that you have a thing for my mom? Yeah…" Phineas' face fell, "How I feel about it...I don't know...I mean...I still have feelings for my actual dad."

"Ya know, I wondered why I didn't see any siblings or a father. What happened to them?"

"Oh, I'm an only child...and my dad...well...he died."

"Oh...I'm so sorry…"

Phineas, usually have an adorable perky attitude or slightly timid, actually looked pretty sad at mentioning his deceased father. Heinz felt bad for making the kid frown in sadness. Phineas quickly recovered, not wanting to show weakness in front of this guy he JUST got the guts to talk to...it was strange...he felt a little more...comfortable with this guy than even his own psychologist. He then perked up almost instantly.

"So, you going for some sort of heist?" Phineas asked, "Don't worry. I won't tell anyone. I'm no snitch."

"Uh...yeah...I'm stealing pizzazium infinionite," Heinz said, "for my Freeze-Ray-Inator"

"A Freeze-Ray-Inator? Cool!" Phineas was instantly hooked, "What does it freeze?"

"Oh, the usual, people, objects, time-"

"TIME?!" Phineas had encountered a couple freeze-rays, and he'd thought about building one that stops time, but never got around to it. He'd never encountered one that actually stopped time itself though, "Like...time ITSELF? You can actually freeze time? Like...like you could make me pause as I do this?"

Phineas struck a pose that would be pretty funny if Heinz froze him in time with. Heinz had to admit...he liked this kid. He was nice, not a snitch, and he shared the interests...maybe he wasn't so alone in this world.

"So...what's your name, sir?" Phineas asked politely.

"Um...Heinz," Heinz replied a little awkwardly.

"Heinz? That's a pretty cool name. So...what's the pizzazium infinionite-"

The two were so wrapped up in conversation they hadn't seen Linda come up to them, singing in a higher key.

**Will you lend a caring hand-**

However, they both interrupted her with surprised exclamations. Heinz kinda screamed, and Phineas cried out his mom's name in surprise.

"Ah, aah!" Heinz exclaimed.

Linda seemed startled at Heinz's reaction. Phineas could see they already had chemistry...maybe he'd give this guy a chance...just maybe. Who knows...maybe this would be his new step father.

"Mom!" he cried out, "I didn't know you were coming up here."

"Sorry, Phineas. I didn't mean to startle you both."

"Ah, ah, what do you want?" Heinz asked finally able to speak.

"I was wondering if I could just…" and then Linda recognized him...this was going pretty good Phineas thought, "Hey I know you."

"Hello, you know me? Cool, I mean, yeah you do. Do you?"

Phineas rolled his eyes in amusement, and he made a sign with his hands that told Heinz 'Smooth, dude, real smooth'. Heinz gave him a bit of a playful scold, and he returned his attention to Linda.

"From the laundromat," Linda said?

Heinz blushed. Finally he was able to talk to Linda, and she was talking to him. To top it off, the son seemed to like him. He didn't even care that he was pulling a heist. Most kids would be annoying and say 'I'm telling on you!'...but Phineas was...different. He was a nice kid.

"Wednesdays and Saturdays, except twice last month you skipped the weekend," Heinz then realized Linda would think he's been stalking her, "Or if that was you. It could've been someone else. I mean I've seen you...My name is Heinz."

Linda notices that Heinz seems kinda busy, for he doesn't look up from his phone. Phineas frowned in disappointment slightly. He didn't really care that he was going to pull off a heist...his mom, however, she'd care. He only hoped he would get better at paying attention...that or maybe he's just a bit shy…

"What are you doing?"

Heinz glanced at Phineas ever so slightly, and Phineas made the 'don't tell her' sign. Heinz nodded, and he had his answer. Luckily Linda hadn't seen him glance at him.

"Texting, it's very important, or I would stop," Heinz said, and Phineas playfully rolled his eyes, "What are you doing?"

"Actually, Phineas and I are out here volunteering for the Caring Hands Homeless Shelter. Can you spare a minute?"

Heinz glanced at the van, and then at Phineas who nodded, basically saying he'd keep an eye on the van so they could 'have a moment'. Dang...smart kid, Heinz thought.

"Ummmm, ok go."

"Okay, we're hoping to open up a new location soon, expand our efforts. There's this great building that the city is just going to demolish, but if we can get enough signatures-"

"Signatures? Pfft."

"Yeah."

Phineas gives Heinz a glare, that says 'Dude! You're gonna lose her!', and Heinz realizes he's being rude.

"I'm sorry, go on."

"I was saying, um, maybe we could get the city to donate the building to our cause. We would be able to provide 250 new beds," Linda continued, but she could see Heinz turning back to his phone again...maybe he isn't even interested, yet she still continued trying to get his attention. Phineas smacked his palm to his forehead, "get people off the streets and into job training...buy rocket packs and go to the moon and become...florists….you're not really interested in the homeless, are you?"

Phineas gave Heinz a look, and Heinz could read it. 'You're losing her! Dude!' Heinz then looked back at her, thinking of what to say.

"No I am, but they're a symptom. You're treating a symptom, and the disease rages on, consumes the human race. The fish rots from the head as they say. So my thinking is why not cut off the head?"

"Of the human race?" Linda asked unsure of this guy now.

"It's...not a perfect...metaphor. But I'm talking about an overhaul of the system. Putting the power in DIFFERENT hands."

That's better, Linda thought. She noticed she kind of like this guy despite his strange behavior. Phineas seemed to like him.

"I'm all for that. This petition is for the building."

"I'd love to sign."

"Thank you!" Linda handed him the clipboard, and then she finally processed...Phineas was talking to him...he never talks to ANYONE ever since his father died! "You...Phineas was talking to you?"

"Yeah."

"He hasn't talked to anyone but me since...since his father died."

"Is that so?" Heinz's tone was sympathetic as he looked down at Phineas who nodded.

"I...I can't believe you got him to talk to you. Oh my gosh you must be like a miracle worker! How did you get him to talk to you?"

"He just...came up to me," Heinz replied.

"Oh my god," Linda said, "Um...thanks for signing."

"Sorry...I come on strong."

"But you signed."

"Wouldn't want to turn my back on a fellow laundry person."

Linda continued to talk to Heinz, but he was preoccupied with the heist...or texting as she thought. She could see it was time to go. She and Phineas headed off, allowing him to do hsi business. Phineas smiled at Heinz...he may have just found his future step dad.

Heinz turned to see they were gone, and he seemed conflicted now…go back and talk to Linda and Phineas...or continue with the heist...It was different this time...this heist could be the element that decides his fate of whether he gets into the Evil League of Evil.

"She talked to me...Why'd she have to talk to me now? Maybe I should…"

**A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do**

**don't plan the plan if you can't follow through**

**all that matters**

**taking matters **

**into your own hands**

**soon I'll rule everything**

**my wish is your com-**

As Heinz emerged as Dr. Horrible, he started the van and drove it away. Suddenly, a crash as Rog-I mean Captain Hammer jumped onto the van. He too started to sing.

Stand back everyone

nothing here to see

just imminent danger

in the middle of it me

yes Captain Hammer's here

hair blowing in the breeze

the world needs my saving expertise

a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do

it seems destiny ends with me saving you

Suddenly as Captain Hammer punched Horrible's device controlling the van, it went haywire, and it started heading toward Linda and Phineas. Captain Hammer went to them, and he pushed them hard into a huge group of trash bags. Phineas was knocked out for thirty seconds before he finally realized what had happened. That stupid Captain Hammer...he never liked him. He was just a glorified jerk according to Phineas, and which that was true. Linda seemed dazed and unable to move for a while. Hammer stood there waiting to 'stop the van' while Horrible frantically worked to stop the van when it was still coming at Phineas and Linda.

The only doom

that's looming

is you loving me to death

so I'll give you a sec

to catch your breath

Finally Horrible was able to stop the van, and Hammer hadn't even touched it. Horrible knew that this was Hammer's fault. He set the device haywire, and so if Linda and Phineas would've died, it'd be his head. Of course Horrible managed to stop the van and wouldn't have crushed Linda and Phineas. Honestly the way Hammer threw them could have easily killed them just as well. After all, poor Phineas was so small.

"You idiot!" Heinz yelled.

"Dr. Horrible," Hammer said, "I should've known you were behind this."

"Could have killed them!"

"I remember it differently."

"They-" Heinz's throat was seized by Hammer, and he started to choke him.

"It's curtains for you, Dr. Horrible. Lacy, gently wafting curtains."

"Whuh?"

Linda and Phineas emerged from the trash bags, and Linda was singing. Phineas was really dizzy, but he didn't say anything. They each had trouble getting up, but Phineas finally was able to walk stably, and but he leaned against the van to keep himself up.

_Thank you Hammer man_

_I don't think I can_

_explain how important_

_it was you stopped the van_

_we would be splattered_

_we'd be crushed into debris_

_thank you sir for saving my son and me_

Phineas had a hard time believing what he was hearing. Hammer didn't save them! If anything he's the one that put their lives in danger. He stood next to Horrible shaking his head...both singing similar lines to this next part of the song.

_**(okay, so this part was REALLY hard to write out because their lyrics are at the same time, so regular text is Hammer (Roger), italics are Linda and bold is Horrible and Phineas (Phineas sings 'us', 'he' and 'his' instead of 'you', 'I' and 'my' that's why there's a slash) **_

"Don't worry about it"

a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do-(_you came from above)-_**[are you kidding?]**

it seems destiny ends with me saving you -(_I wonder what you're captain of)-_**[****what heist ****were you watching?]**

when you're the best

you can't rest-**Stop looking at her like that**

what's the use - _(my heart is beating like a drum)_

there's ass needs kicking-**[did you notice that he threw you/us into the garbage]**

some ticking

bomb to diffuse-_(must be in shock)_

the only doom-**[I/he stopped the van]**

that's looming-_(__assuming)_ -**[the remote control was in my/his hand]**

is you loving me to death-_(I'm not loving you to death)_-**[whaatever]**

so please give me a sec-_(so please give me a sec)_

to catch my breath-_(to catch my breath)_

Horrible walks off with the pizzazium infinionite, and Phineas rolled his eyes. Now his mother was infatuated with a glorified bully. Horrible hated it too. His mortal enemy was now the girl of his dream's 'man of her dreams'.

"_Well...so much for a new good stepfather,_" Phineas thought.

At the same time, Horrible said, "Balls."


	3. Act 2 Chapter 1

Horrible stood in front of the cameras...just...dumbfounded...how could Linda do this? He felt a song coming along. He headed out into the streets, ditching his Dr. Horrible attire, to see just how the girl of his dreams was doing with the cheesy, overglorified, arrogant jerk. Maybe he'd be lucky, and the date would be a disaster. Maybe she was seeing him for what he was. He hadn't noticed he bumped into Phineas who was doing the exact same thing.

"Oh, hi Heinz," Phineas greeted timidly, "Sorry, I didn't see you there."

"No, no, it's okay," Heinz said, "So...what are you doing?"

"Just...um…," he sighed, "spying on my mom because she is dating a total nub!"

"I hear ya."

"How? You weren't there...and I don't think it's on the news."

"Because I actually was there."

"Wait...how...you...Wait...You're Dr. Horrible?!"

"That depends...do you take back the whole 'whoa a heist? That's so cool'?"

"Heck no! Honestly, I know it was you that saved my mom and me. I mean, you stopped the van. It never even touched that phony. It was his fault to begin with! He's the one that broke the device sending the van haywire. If anything, Hammer made it way worse. He could have killed us throwing us into the garbage. I was actually knocked out for thirty seconds!"

Heinz picked Phineas up, "WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ALL MY LIFE, KID?!"

Phineas giggled, and Heinz put him down. It was clear these two would be good friends...if not already. Phineas really liked Heinz. He's the first person in years he'd talked to besides his mom. He missed his father, but somehow Phineas saw Heinz as a worthy...substitute. He'd never replace Phillip, that's for sure, but Heinz would make a worthy step father...if only his mom would stop seeing that cheesy glorified bully.

"I just...I seriously think all of humanity is insane! I mean...I mean…"

***music for 'My Eyes' starts, and Phineas starts to sing. Bold is Phineas alone, regular font is Heinz, bold italics are Phineas and Heinz, and italics are Linda***

**Any dolt with half a brain**

**can see the human kind has gone insane**

to the point where I don't know

if I'll upset the status quo

if I throw poison in the water main

_**listen close to everybody's heart**_

_**and hear that breaking sound**_

_**hopes and dreams are shattering apart**_

_**and crashing to the ground**_

Phineas and Heinz sit outside watching Linda and Hammer's date. They are both absolutely disgusted by it.

_**I cannot believe my eyes**_

_**how the world's filled with filth and lies**_

_**but it's plain to see**_

evil inside of me

_**is on the rise**_

Linda sits with Hammer in one of the homeless shelters, eating (pretty much a date) and Linda doesn't notice Phineas and Heinz outside as Heinz backs away into the darkness, and Phineas follows, having nothing better to do.

_look around_

_we're living with the lost and found_

_just when you feel you've almost drowned_

_you find yourself on solid ground_

_and you believe there's good in everybody's heart_

_keep it safe and sound_

_with hope you can do your part_

_to turn a life around_

_I cannot believe my eyes_

_is the world finally growing wise_

_cuz it seems to me_

_some kind of harmony_

_is on the rise_

It's further into the weekend, and Heinz spies, hiding behind a bush, on Linda and Hammer with Phineas hiding behind a different bush.

_**anyone with half a brain**_-_take it slow_

can spend their whole howling in pain-_he looks at me and seems to know_

_**cuz the dark is everywhere**_-_the things that I'm afraid to show_

_**and Linda/Mom doesn't seem to care**_-_and suddenly I _

that soon the dark in me is all that will remain-_feel this glow_

_**listen close to everybody's heart**_-_and I believe there's good in everybody's heart_

_**and hear that breaking sound**_-_keep it safe and sound_

_**hopes and dreams are shattering apart**_-_with hope you can do your part_

_**and crashing to the ground**_-_to turn a life around _

_**I cannot believe my eyes**_-_I cannot believe my eyes_

_**how the world's filled with filth and lies**_-_how the world's finally growing wise_

_**but it's plain to see**_-_and it's plain to see_

evil inside of me-_rapture inside of me_

_**is on the rise**_-_is on the rise_

* * *

The next morning, Heinz was doing laundry when little Phineas walked in. However, you could hardly tell with the huge basket of clothes he carried, covering his face. If Heinz didn't know him, he'd thought it was a floating laundry basket. Under the basket, he could see his little legs wobbling, and suddenly Phineas tipped over.

"Whoa!" Phineas exclaimed, but Heinz caught the basket in one hand and Phineas in the other, "Thanks, Heinz. Sorry about that."

"Nah, it's okay, Phineas," Heinz replied putting the basket down, and Phineas began to load the laundry into the washer...strange…, "Uh, Phineas? Where's your mom?"

"Pfft," Phineas pffted, "why do you ask your nemesis?"

"Johnny Snow is not my nemesis!"

"I know! I meant Captain Hammer!"

"Oh," Heinz said sheepishly, "sorry. Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," Phineas said, but Heinz could tell he wasn't.

"Alright," he sighed, "Spill, kid, what did Captain Hammer say?"

Phineas only continued to load the laundry, but his manner seemed to get angrier now as he threw stuff in there. Heinz had to wonder...how come the basket is so full? He only had to see one of Hammer's symbol among most of the black t-shirts, and he knew exactly why. Not only did Linda send Phineas alone, but he's doing Hammer's laundry too. What a chump! Heinz helped Phineas finish loading, and they sat down. Heinz had to admit he was talking to Phineas a hell of a lot more than Linda. He'd hoped to give his second 'accidentally given' frozen yogurt to Linda, but it seemed she wasn't coming. Plus, Phineas could use a friend right now with the tough time he was going through.

"Hey...uh...Phineas?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you like frozen yogurt?"

"Yeah...I do actually."

"Well, the guy at the frozen yogurt pl-" Phineas chuckled, "What? What's so funny?"

"Ah, the old 'the gave me an extra of this item. You wouldn't happen to like said item? Person says yes, you say wow what a coincidence. When we both know you really just bought two to get brownie points," Phineas said.

Heinz was awestruck, "It's that obvious, isn't it?"

"I've been able to get pretty familiar with behavior in a person with romance."

"Oh, do you have a girl in mind?"

"No...you're the first person I've talked to, besides my mom, since I was two."

"Oh…"

"Yeah...I've been able to get familiar with it because of all the nubs who have tried to whoo my mom."

"Have they succeeded?"

"Nope...but I think you've got a chance if she'd just get away from Captain Hammer."

"Really?"

"Yeah...I mean, ya got me to talk to you. Mom seemed pretty impressed with that. Who knows, maybe once she'd snapped out of her infatuation with Captain Hammer, maybe she'll go to you."

"You think so?"

"I think so."

"So...do you ever miss your dad?"

Heinz knew he'd never should have asked that, for Phineas' eyes started getting misty. Heinz felt bad. Like this kid hadn't been through enough?!

"Phineas...I'm sorry."

"Yeah...I miss him," he wiped away his tears, "C-can we talk about something else please?"

"Sure...so...did your mom send you here by yourself?"

"No, 'Cheesy on the Outside' did," Phineas scoffed, "You should have HEARD the things she was saying about him! Blech! She called him sweet!"

Heinz actually thought he threw up in his mouth a second, but he swallowed it. He then turned back to Phineas, slowly eating his frozen yogurt. Phineas hoped soon his mom would see that Hammer is a total phony. He had to admit this frozen yogurt was pretty good. He felt kinda bad for Heinz that he gave it to him instead of the intended target.

"Sorry you didn't get to share this moment with my m-...um...Heinz?"

"Yeah?"

"You're driving the spork into your leg."

"Oh, so I am...heh, heh, heh."

"So...Heinz?"

"Yeah?"

"What's your family like?"

"Um...heh, heh, actually funny story is...Captain Hammer...is...my brother."

"Owch."

"Yeah...but hopefully this thing I've got planned tonight will get me into the Evil League of Evil."

"What'cha got going on?"

"It's a crime of sorts involving the freeze ray."

"Oh, cool."

Time passed, they chatted more, and eventually their laundry was done, and they parted ways.

"Well I better get home. Thanks for the frozen yogurt, and good luck with whatever you're doing tonight."

"Thanks, good luck with Cheesehead tonight."

Phineas giggled, and he headed out. Heinz couldn't get over how nice a kid Phineas was. He shook out of it for the time being, for he had business to do tonight...


End file.
